The girl who wanted to be a mom when she grew up.

So today is my very last day of being a nanny. From before I can clearly remember, I was changing  diapers, entertaining young kids, and organizing activities for ones that were practically my same age. I started as a mom's helper, but I quickly turned into an official babysitter. When I was 12 years old I started nannying for my most cherished family when their 4th child was born prematurely and they needed to be at the hospital most days. I had never met them and I'm fairly certain they had no idea that I was only twelve. Since then I've met some of the most wonderful children and a few of the most ornery ones. I have learned to communicate with loving, appreciative and generous parents as well as bitter, manipulative, and unappreciative parents/grandparents. I've been peed on (on purpose and by accident), vomited on, cursed at, hit, scratched, spit up on, spit on, and the like. But I have also been hugged tightly, been given a million sloppy kisses, loved on profusely, and had the joy of seeing babies grow up to be wonderful young men and women. It has been an absolute joy, but not without its share of tears & frustrations.

It always rubbed me the wrong way when mothers whose kids I cared for for 40 hours a week would say that I really had no idea what it was like to be a mom. I understand that I'm not there between 6pm and 7am, I've never had to nurse a baby in the middle of the night, or do the many other things only mother's do. But I do not think it was really the most appropriate thing to say to a woman who had done 10 loads of your laundry, cleaned your entire house while your children were sleeping, washed the last 3 days of dishes, taught your baby how to soothe itself to sleep, changed a million diapers (cloth diapers, sometimes), loved on, and cared for your child for the last 5 days. I have learned to just smile politely in response and realize that everything I do should not be for the affirmation of others, but for the glory of God. I have loved nannying for the past 10 years, but I've always wanted to be a mom to my own children.

2 1/2 years ago God blessed me with the most amazing, tenderhearted, godly husband. When we decided a year or so ago that we wanted to start our family, I was overjoyed. But when we didn't get pregnant immediately, God showed me that I had made having a child my idol. It was humbling, to say the least, because I realized that if God decided not to give us a baby, I still needed to rejoice in His goodness. I was listening to a woman's testimony on the radio when I realized that I needed to relinquish my desire not just for a big family, but even just one child. I felt pitiful, because I know of many women who try for years to get pregnant and those who have had many miscarriages, and I was not trusting God after 6 months. But God works on everyone's heart differently, and for me this was painful. All around me friends were getting pregnant, some of who had met their spouses, gotten married, and gotten pregnant all in our first year of marriage.

When we found out we were pregnant we were overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness! But I still had fear. Then I realized that if I couldn't trust God for the safety of the baby in my womb, how could I trust Him once they entered this world? That baby had crawled up on the throne of my heart, where Christ belonged. I think it will be a lifelong process of growth and change as I daily surrender my family to Him and put Christ on the throne of my heart.


Today I am 33 weeks pregnant and the last day of being a nanny. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about what it will be like to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time. Maybe that's why when I think about natural childbirth, I'm not afraid, because I feel like I've been preparing myself for it for 10 years. I know that when my daughter is throwing a fit because she has to wear underwear (or something else ridiculous), gets mad because we are making her change into something more appropriate, or maybe even says that she hates me, I'll need to read this again and remember that God has called me to motherhood and I should praise Him every day for it.

So whether God gives us one child or 6, I want to be a mom of grace. I want to forgive my kids for their faults as Christ has forgiven me for mine. I want to be humble before God each day and thereby have humility when dealing with my children and other people. I want to love God first, then James, then our children - because any other order would not be what God has intended. I don't want to value entertaining our children over instilling God's Word in their hearts. I do not want to be super mom. I want to leave dishes in the sink because I need to go to bed so I can wake up earlier than everyone else to spend time with God. I don't want to overcommit at church and therefore sacrifice time with my family. I want to be consistent at disciplining, even when I don't feel like getting up to give a spanking. I want to teach our children a good work ethic from a young age by picking up their own toys, helping with chores, clearing the table, doing yard work, etc.. in hope that they don't grow up to be entitled, lazy teenagers and adults. I want our kids to learn to be alone, play by themselves, and not speak so that they learn the value of books, prayer, patience, contentment, and respect. But most importantly, I want to teach our kid(s) the love of Christ and how they can know Him personally, the one who saves us from our sins and rescues us from death. Because if/when James and I fail at being good parents, they will still know their Savior...and have a forgiving heart :).

So to those of you reading this, whose kids I've cared for: thank you for giving me the blessing of playing some role in their lives and letting me "practice" on them.

To my husband, thank you for working hard so that I can have the career I've always wanted, being a stay-at-home mom.

And as far as those sleepless nights of nursing and crying go, I'll let you know in a couple months :)