Is it ironic that sometimes I want to YELL "I want some peace!!"

Is it ironic that sometimes I want to yell, "I want some peace!!" Most of you know that I am a "nanny" to three beautiful teenage girls who live with their 82 year old grandmother. When I got the job (almost a year ago), I thought that my greatest challenge would be nurturing 3 teenage girls. But as it turns out, the most challenging part of my job (and my life) is surviving their grandmother. I love these girls and would do absolutely anything for them. I keep reminding myself that staying at this job is included in the "anything for them."

You know when you know something in your head and you believe that it is true in your heart and mind, but acting it out is so much harder? Well, that's my struggle every single day. I know that their grandmother is dead in her trespasses and sins. I know that she is incapable of doing anything godly or right. I know that she is unable to truly forgive or love because she doesn't know the forgiveness and love that Christ offers.  I know that it is her bitterness and anger that causes her to hurt the girls, and I know that she is lost and I should have compassion for her. And yet, I find it hard to love her and show her compassion when her actions hurt others. It pains me to see teenage girls live in a home with shame, impossible standards, no forgiveness, yelling, resentment, no hope, constant stress, unnecessary pressure, inconsistent discipline, no affection, and a grandmother who thinks that they are the problem.

Today has been especially trying. It's hard because I can't leave...we live on her property and I don't have an oven or a laundry machine in our place (we're supposed to use hers). So even on the weekends and in the mornings I am forced to see her. I remember a sermon my pastor from Huntington Beach preached, and one thing he said has stuck with me for many years. He said that if being a Christian was about loving people who were easy to love, then it would be pretty easy. But, being a Christian is about loving those who are unlovable. At that time I thought that was great advice for my family life (as a teenager), but looking back at those I thought were "unlovable", they were so much easier to love than this lady.

I'm trying to give this to the Lord, to let Him take the burden. I'm trying to remember that I suffer because Christ suffered. I try to remember to do all things for the glory of God, not to please man. I try to leave it all at the door when I come home at night and on the weekends. But we are always here! I heard a pastor say on the radio that those who leave when the going gets tough never get to see the fruit. I don't want to leave because it's hard, but I also don't know when enough is enough. I pray for this family and for these girls every day. They are incredible young ladies. And I love being with them. I love showing them the love of Christ and showing them what true forgiveness really is. I love being a woman that they can look up to and caring about them enough to deal with the difficult moments with grace. But it is so hard to deal with their manipulative and abrasive grandmother. She needs Jesus real bad. And I need patience, grace, a soft answer that turns away wrath, words that bring grace, a loving heart, and the joy of Christ.

So my prayer is that I will love their grandmother as much as I love them, and that I would see her through the eyes of Christ, and that I would endure.

If you think to, please pray for me...I need it. I don't think I was prepared to raise 3 teenage girls and a 82 year old grandmother at 20 years old. Good thing God's the one doing it and not me!!

oh yeah, and some peace for my weary heart and mind would be nice too